Empty Victories
by Antigone1Evenstar
Summary: I won, but I lost. I lost and so I won. A tale of Morgana winning and the consequences that ensued for her.


Nothing of Merlin is mine.

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><p>I won, you know.<p>

Actually, you don't. You can't. But I did. At first, anyway.

It was horrible, completely horrible.

I won, killing any and all pretenders to the throne and their supporters. How? Simple enough, actually. I studied hard, then went back in time to kill Emrys before he had time to learn or access his own power. Doing so, upsetting the balance of magic, forced the magic to go somewhere, and a great deal of it went to myself. After that, they never stood a chance.

After ensuring my rule, I turned my eyes to the kingdoms nearby. It was almost too easy, and simply wet my thirst for war and bloodshed. So much power! It left me blood drunk, and still thirsty for more. Wherever my gaze went, I conquered, until the entire known world bowed at my feet, trembled at my word. It was glorious!

Until one day I woke up and realized that it was ugly. _I_ was ugly. Everywhere I had conquered was like one huge, weeping scar across the face of the earth. Magic was screaming in agony, only drowned out by the people's cries.

I forgot that magic needed balance, you see. I had spent far too much magic hurting, and it had been forced to correct itself. I gained empathy, I could feel, hear, see, smell, touch, even _taste_ every ounce of pain I had inflicted on others. It drove me insane.

I fled, out of this world, out of time itself. There was nothingness there, and my mind returned to me. I was furious, though. Absolutely furious.

It was their fault! That cursed brother of mine, and Emrys, and the _healer (ha!) _and my so-called father, they were all to blame for this! If they hadn't hurt me so badly, NONE of this would have happened. Curse their memories!

So I went back to the beginning of my reign, and tried again.

I wanted to be a good Queen this time, truly I did. But they refused to listen! My good intentions this time lasted less than a single year.

Still, though frustrated I was confident because I could go back and change it all. I would show them how much I deserved this, how pathetic they were.

Yet I still failed! I cursed their memories, names, everything! During one try, I believe I killed everyone with blue eyes. It brought no peace, no success, no nothing. I retreated again and again into the void, angry with them, and prepared to start again. I lost track of how many times I tried. More than a half dozen, less than five dozen, I think. I wasn't completely sane.

After one of my least successful attempts ever, I sat back to watch my mistakes play out again, try to avoid them the next time around. Only this time, I started from the very beginning. It was then that I finally realized what was going so wrong, so very, very wrong. It wasn't them.

It was me.

I cried at this, for the first time in who knew how many lives. Like a baby, sobbing helplessly all alone in the nothing. I wanted to be angry, but I couldn't be angry at them, only at myself. All of my poor choices had led me to this point.

I realized the vital difference between myself, and Arthur and Merlin, was that they truly were trying to do the right thing, and not for themselves. That hurt, oh how that hurt.

Even my early kindnesses had been for me, to prove how nice I was, how independent I was, how strong I was. Later it got worse, and I let my own desires blind me to the good of the kingdom, of all the people.

I recognized the fact that this selfishness was not going to change for me. It is a strength to admit when you truly are the wrong person for the job, and I gave myself this one thing. I went back, set things right. I realized that Arthur and Merlin had to win. Had to.

I turned to healing, living in Avalon. One day Arthur will come to me, to await the hour of his precious land's greatest need. Merlin will lie in an enchanted sleep in his cave, awaiting the call of his king.

And I will try not to ruin everything, to live with self restraint, putting someone besides myself first. We'll see how that goes, won't we? History will tell.

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><p>"Well-behaved women seldom make history"<p>

~Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

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><p>Tada! Don't ask me where this came from, I really DON'T KNOW. Thanks for reading, Happy New Year!<p> 


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